i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
