Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
