Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This is classic penis vs brain.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
