I am midnight drunk by noon
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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