dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
it was like eating out sand paper
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
