I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
The air was thick with penises
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
