Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
