All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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