I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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