WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
