I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
