if i can run in heels then i can drive
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
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Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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