If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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