I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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