god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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