God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my shit smells like andre
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
