so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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