I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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