My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
now i know why i became what i already was.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
