Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
