You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
