I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
