Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
