Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
