In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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