i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
We're too hungover to prance.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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