This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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