Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
