Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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