you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
