I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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