I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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