Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
