he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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