if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
