You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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