When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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