she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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