My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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