i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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