thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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