If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
