At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
