If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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