I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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