i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
