I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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