my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Randomize
