My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
