i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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