I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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