i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
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