I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
