do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
