Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
