You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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