hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
