She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
