Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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