Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
