fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I am naked and annoyed.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
