He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
