I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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